Thoughts and Musings

i hear people say they’re looking for sex, or looking for love, or looking for fun
you know what’s hard to find? when you’ve really won the lottery?
people who aren’t afraid to communicate
sex? easy to find. no promises on quality, or quality of connection, but it’s out there.
You want it? Go find someone who wants to give it to you.
love? comes and goes in life. if we’re lucky, it’s the persistence that becomes the focal point
if it’s the lacking that’s on your mind, find some peace that most of humanity is feeling that,
has felt that,
has been in your shoes
you’ll find love

communication- what is it? what the fuck is this magical word that’s
plastered on Cosmo magazines and talked about in couple’s therapy?
we’re all seeking it right? right?
are we actually though? cuz it seems like most people willingly choose
the escape of passivity
of running, shutting down, closing off, forgetting, putting an ocean of
built-up unspoken feedback unto a trivial scapegoat of an example that
only illustrates confusion
really, who hurt you? how many times?
how much fear is there to just speak heart, or mind
fuck it, honestly
I’d just take one or the other, they don’t even need to be in sync

silence
something about silence makes me sick
sort of like silence can be violent almost like a slit wrist

break this sequence, come on
you’re better then this
you’re not hurting me
you’re just reflecting your lived experiences
i’m used to this, our intentional disconnect from our own consciousness
it’s a pillar of modern society
break the pattern for you, liberate your heart
realize that it’s not on you how people receive your words
but it is on you if words are never spoken

i pick up my phone now and it tells me
nothing on here will bring you happiness
i look at my lock screen now and it tells me
you’re not comfortable, right now- are you?
like right now
you’re not, just own it
why you looking at things that you can’t afford
things that won’t bring joy if you could
looking at people that don’t care about you
that wouldn’t care if you cared about them

the albatross is in me, i’m off on own journey
this time blissfully willfully alone and free and
so free and alone
leaving now to let my wingspan wear it’s worth
i’ll be back after circling the equator

i’m shedding my skin
from the atrophied cocoon
emerges new form

this is different
this metamorphosis is complete
for the ten thousandth time

one hundred thousand more metamorphoses to go
at some past cross-roads
the evolution was not noticeable

this time, i am sharper now
eyes no longer analyze but take in pure essence
ears listen for depth
both seek substance
desire for touch is rooted in connection
no longer self service
heart is a lightening rod conduit
self advocacy has taken root
self protection has been released
in favor of risk
in favor of chance
in favor of serendipity

I have this image in my head
forever
Facing each other, sitting
cross-legged
Floating a few feet off the surface
on Saturn
Just silent, locked in eye contact
naked
Inherent warmth through reciprocated acknowledgement
connected

No need for small talk, speak your truths
Ask me all of the questions

warm air, hot coffee, warm skin
soft breath, sweet whisper, austere form
held tight, consent enveloped, kept close
see me, full release, see you
gaze unflinching, contact unwavering, connection commenced
life is short, time flees
let’s hold still

=

this silent surfer paddles out alone to the sunset
lasting forgiveness is the one seemingly perfect wave
that might be right around the corner
ego and pride make up every other wave
these waves make up the ocean of suffering
we all get submerged at points
what do you see when your head breaches the surface

forgiveness is a choice, something that ego and pride
will attempt to drown out and suffocate
how tantalizing to give in, to stoke the self righteousness
to protect myself, to disappear to the moon when i should be
sitting on the ground

it gets tiring, yes?
dukkha, where is my respite?
however hard the journey
when it reaches it’s peak intensity
remember that this present suffering
pales to how you’d feel
if you gave in-
‘i will let my pride protect me’
‘i will take the complex and make it binary’
‘i am choosing to tarnish the goodness of these memories’
‘i am choosing to tarnish the growth from these experiences’
and what if instead, i held strong-
the choice to continue fighting through struggle
it brings humility, defeats pride, punctures my ego
self accountability shatters spite

you can’t catch the wave of forgiveness
it doesn’t last
it needs to be sought out, reclaimed, acknowledged, cultivated
chased after with reckless abandon
this is forgiveness
it is not a moment, or a thought, or a singular action
it can be found amidst samsara
cherish it, don’t let it go
anger poisons the vessel that holds it
before it’s intended recipient

living beings are captivated by the concept of freedom
as infants we’re aware of birds flying high above us
we visit the ocean and know it’s a mystery

we grow up wanting choice, free will, infinite opportunity
time flows by, life lives through us and we realize that perhaps
instead of infinitesimal tendrils and paths of choice
we want one path, illuminated before us
being free can be tough
what now?
any given moment presents an opportunity
to alter your present, change your future, therefore
reshaping your past

at any age, how does it feel in a passing moment
when you catch yourself wishing for ‘normal’?
you see…
normal = the life experiences of our parents
normal is the life experiences of our parents
that brought them wisdom or safety or growth or
just stability, or just consistency

normal = the life experiences of our grandparents
normal is the life experiences of our grandparents
they shared with our parents
in hopes that it will bring them wisdom or safety or growth
or just stability, or consistency

lest we forget
the only thing certain is change
the only thing constant is change
lest we forget
those who stick around
and those who consistently hold it down
it is a choice
a radical dedication to finding consistency
no, creating consistency
in a sea of change

normal is visiting a rest stop on a road trip
skimming a travel pamphlet
and getting back on the road
just because you learned about a person or a place
doesn’t mean you have to stay

even if you’re on a diet of normal
you can still peruse the menu of the unknown

normal
does not exist
what illusory shadow do we compare ourselves to?
sometimes this shadow is not even our own

can you be free? will you let yourself be free?
what would you do when you are free?
what will you do-
when you realize you’re already free?

not sure if i’m trying to get to the center of the labyrinth
or i started at the center and i’m trying to get out

life has highs and lows
a lot of life is right in the middle

it can be easy to savor the apex moments
i know when i’ve reached a mountaintop

we’re easily aware of challenges and tough moments
life’s diverse breadth becomes needlepoint, focusing on this sole topic

but it’s staying calm when i’m gently treading water
that requires practice, patience

the complexity of patience
the scope of patience
the warrior’s path of patience
quiet and convicted

this too shall pass
but this too shall happen again
what better time to practice
then now
?

good night
city skyscape is my benevolent sepulcher
illumination through argon and xenon
all trains know life love loss lust
enraptured ecstasy envelops esoteric explorers
while
lost lovers lament languished partners
and
idealistic individuals envision aesthetics of perfection

your favorite bar won’t let me leave, is this a dream?
my mind’s eye strolling through somnambulant summers
stepping out of sundresses long after sunset
sweet sweat caresses your necklace
salacious sounds surround seduced surfaces
restraint is now relinquished, time is infinite
the present moment’s rarity is incomprehensible
a warmed gaze that is my own surveys the curious morning dirge

bad night
amorphous form, appear to me
eyeing assiduously
serpentine charlatan as your stature becomes defined
return my serenity
consequences from a commitment to ignorance
is bliss? until the veil is removed. truth-
is the reveal I seek, however not expecting
the old saying about a magician and their tricks
baited breath biding my time
balancing all-seeing gaze with peace of mind

clouded clarity through my kaleidoscopic lens
high contrast filter digesting details
malignant metadata moves through mental space
high saturation post-production
comforts the hyperstimulated mind
the ambiguous fidelity of frequencies matches
the ambiguous fidelity of character

like sharing myself
lithium holds energy
you can’t plug me in

the bucket of time
can’t be replenished, resist?

life laughs, hold on tight

know where you’re going?
plans? nah, just nice ideas
loosen your fist first

unfurl the sails, breathe
we want a straight line to walk
straight lines don’t exist

man-made, unnatural
evolutionary, bats
fly in circles, blind

did you know bats will
never fly into your face?
outward perception:

“you’re erratic and
unfocused- maybe even-
lazy? you’re off“

inward perception:

mammalian warmth
try and fail and grow

don’t mistake the warmth
cold primal reptilian
insight lies here

i’m still
the dogs are circling
stalking cats eyes graze my perception
feeling monolithic

the well is running dry
workers are devouring the fruit
the clouds don’t have much more rain to give

no peace yet, is it close?
=
electrically ground
Ecuadorian coffee
grown on fertile ground

black, cinnamon, steam
syrup sweetens the forlorn
another day, all mine

at the end of it all, life’s good, yeah?
i used to get caught up in the impermanence of good things, great moments felt or shared
over time it’s shifted to gratitude. I made it this way! It wasn’t an accident, I fought for the change.

“I, me, myself-got to experience that?
With all that can happen in life, I was delivered this moment?
Damn, that is BEAUTIFUL.”
=
crimson colored clouds
everyone fades, tune them out
what are we left with?

gravity is inverted
we are- a promise, a pact
here for each other

still here for myself
fall in love with the sound now
goals, dreams, subtleties

silently siphoning souls
skipping serendipitous
summer’s siren song
=
comfort
silence or stimulus? someone’s arms, someone’s bed, or no one in your head?

desire
what was yours? what has never been yours? something that belongs to someone else? does it belong to someone else?

trust
do you trust yourself? can you trust yourself?
=
spirit, ensconced in serenity
diamond eyes
your gift and you don’t know? ah, one of my favorite things
vacationing for free is my secret.
even the trees feel it
keep casting spells to satiate
leaving lightening behind
Artemis, Athena, Aphrodite, all you